Comments on a cultural reality between past and future.

This blog describes Metatime in the Posthuman experience, drawn from Sir Isaac Newton's secret work on the future end of times, a tract in which he described Histories of Things to Come. His hidden papers on the occult were auctioned to two private buyers in 1936 at Sotheby's, but were not available for public research until the 1990s.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Craigslist's Shades of Grey

The new thing: 50 Shades of Grey Birthday Cake (thanks to -A.). Image Source: Inspire, Design, and Create.

This blog is always in search of the Millennial New Normal, so I thought, recalling this post, that I'd swing by Craigslist and have a look at their best ads. Craigslist is known for veering off the Internet's beaten track, and several MSM outlets, for example here, here, here, and here, have reported on the list's craziest ads. Posted on 15 December 2013, under the Pittsburgh Pennsylvania listings, there is the following disturbing advertisement; it would would make great fiction, not-great Millennial reality:
$40k a year to attend Harvard University as me

You must have either a 4.0 GPA in high school, or a 3.5 or higher GPA from a university to get hired for this.

Your age does not matter, but you must be a male since I have a male name.

I am looking for someone to attend Harvard University pretending to be me for four years, starting August 2014. I will pay for your tuition, books, housing, transportation, and living expenses and pay $40,000 a year with a $10,000 bonus after graduation. All you have to do is attend all classes, pass all tests, and finish all assigned work, while pretending you are me.

You do not need to worry about being accepted, I have already taken care of that.

If interested please email me a little info about yourself, and we can meet in person to discuss further.

When we meet you will be asked to sign a non disclosure agreement, so you can not reveal who I am or any further information, whether you're selected or not.
  • Location: Cambridge, MA
  • it's ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
  • Compensation: $40,000 a year

Here is another ad, from 10 December 2013:
Naughty at a Funeral - w4m

I am looking for the guy that I banged at my uncle's funeral 2 weeks ago. We were sitting next to each other and you started rubbing my leg while trying to comfort me. You told me that I was beautiful and next thing I knew, we were walking to the bathroom. I'm really worried because you never did say how you knew my uncle and I'm freaking out that we could be related. If not, I thought maybe we could continue where we left off. Maybe it was because it was taboo, but it was so HOT. I don't think the funeral director knew what to think when we walked out of the bathroom together. Anyways, I hope to hear from you...
  • Location: kansas city
  • do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers
Image Source: Craigslist.

An ad from 17 December 2013:
Life-size & anatomically correct dolls

It is with much sorrow I must give away life-size & anatomically correct dolls that I purchase years ago when I lonely. I married now & wife say they must go. Please be kind to them. Their names Suzie, Sakiya, & Tenshi.
  • Location: Esquimalt
  • do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers
An ad from 21 November 2013:
Can I get a fucking job already?

ME: I'm a machine, a Goddamn monster, bloodthirsty. Willing to work 180 hours a week on the stupidest, most pointless shit. Do you have pleadings that need just a little "tweaking" because, despite how you act around friends and co-workers, you're actually a shitty writer? Well, yes, I can re-write those and then eat shit while you take all the credit. Got a contract that you could really handle yourself, but you'd be happier tossing off some of the actual work to a shit eating loser? Yes, I can turn comments on those at 2 a.m. Got some documents that need review? I'm your fucking man. I'll do doc review until I'm blue in the face; I will sit there doing doc review until my prostate explodes. Why? BECAUSE I NEED A GODDAMN JOB. Don't get me wrong: I've given up hope of ever being successful. Law school destroyed me and destroyed my life. I'm fucked forever, I know that. But my girlfriend will leave me if I don't get a job fast and she's the only thing I've got going in the world. Seriously, I'll be out on the fucking street and I won't even care. I might go live in a box or get a canoe and go out into the ocean to die of exposure.

YOU: I don't give a fuck so long as you pay me. You can be a baby-eating republican or a flag-burning democrat. I don't care. John Edwards, I would LOVE to work for your new firm. You could even be doing some freaky Saul Goodman shit and I wouldn't care. Why? Because I've given up. I thought for a while that I could be an attorney and NOT be a shit bag, but I get it now that it's not possible. So take a look in the mirror and, if you see a fat, soulless, life sucking, miserable, cocksucker who is so miserable that you want to ruin someone else's life, send shitty emails and call in the middle of the night to complain about work that just has to be done in the morning, or to complain about how everything is wrong and awful and so I'll have to do it over and over, or even if you want to make fun of my sexuality/ethnicity/disability/face to make yourself feel better about your lost youth, then give me a call.

I can't wait to hear from you!
  • Location: Chicago
  • it's ok to contact this poster if you are a potential employer or other principal
  • Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job seeker.
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
From 6 April 2013:
Neurosurgeon Needed Asap

Hello. I would like to trade a 2006 mustang gt for the removal or suction of an egg sized brain cyst.

The Mustang Gt is white with gray leather interior. Tinted windows. AC, electric windows and seat. Automatic Transmission. Has all the bells and whistles, including a new DVD touch screen Deck, Shaker 500 sound and less than 40,000 on the odometer.

The cyst is behind my right eyeball and looks fairly easy to get at. I'd try to get at it myself, but I've been trembling and had to bad of a headache to attempt any solo surgery.

I don't have insurance, but I have had the same job for the last 16 years. I need help but the system is hard to work through. $260 or more every time I talk to a Dr. And every Dr. I have talked to wants to take blood tests and prescribe drugs that have not helped. All my blood work over the last 3 years has been normal. The cyst is the only abnormal thing I have. I can borrow money and sell the car. I'm using this ad as a last ditch attempt to get help. If you know a surgeon willing to look at my records, I will mail them and the DVD with 2 brain scans.

I'm going to loose everything if someone cant help me. I don't want, and have been denied medicaid, because I want to work, but its getting harder to do the things I like to do. Thanks

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